Cracks…

As a child, I romanticized love. True love. The kind of love that survives any struggles by summoning the strength of one’s heart and mind. A love able to stand strong in doubt, challenge, and discord, because true love can and will overcome anything lovers throw at it…but only when love is authentic and only when both individuals are brave enough to take on not only each other’s, but also our own shit hiding in the cracks of our pasts.

We went on a hike, around his neighborhood once. He took me up to a look out spot on top of the trail and as soon as we stopped to look at the view, he put his arms around me and said, “beautiful, isn’t it”. I took in the beauty of that moment…and I was so happy. I felt a warmth, unlike anything I ever felt before. I felt like the entire planet was laid out before us, waiting of us to explore, share, love and live together.

Up there, I saw the lows of the valleys and the darkness of the canyons, the chaos and congestion of the city; the endless traffic of the streets…but none of it was a distraction from the beauty of the sunset and the twinkle of the stars…and I remember thinking this is love- seeing and knowing that the journey of love is complicated, messy, and unforgiving.

Love is filled with magnificent highs and destructive lows and sometimes, we’re at our brightest other times at our darkest…but you push through. You push through it because that’s what love is. Unconditional. You just do it- without fear and without precautions.

He told me he loved me. That he loved all of me. but he didn’t. 

The sadness I felt twisted my stomach into knots and placed a heaviness in my heart that sometimes is unbearable. And I shared all of it. And nothing. Nothing but a storm left inside of me, unrequited and helpless.

That’s my sorrow now…me desperately trying to reconcile how the same person who said and planned such a beautiful life with me; who made me feel things I’ve never felt before; who lit up my life every time he was near me… could suddenly become so distant and cold.

My feelings for him aren’t strong enough to settle into his pain. A pain that I was learning to love, because they’re wrapped up in him. But he never let me in.  Love isn’t always enough and sometimes we love people who don’t love us back.

All I can do now is let go of the heavy pull that draws me to him and let myself fall from that cliff of beautiful dreams and hope that one day I’ll hike with someone who’s ready for the journey…both up and down.

 

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