Is love ambiguous by design? Is it possible to truly love someone, without the same feelings returned? I used to believe it wasn’t. But, lately, I’m not so sure.
I burdened myself with expectations of love from a very young age. I read every Austen and Bronte book, glued myself to those depictions of love, deep within my heart. I dove into Stoker, Shakespeare, Rumi, and both Shelley’s and it wasn’t until later on in life, that I realized the pain behind those stories.
Because loss, in all its forms, inspires us to create a world different from the one we live in…the world we want. A world where love is powerful enough to conquer heartbreak, pain, and solitude. A world where our hearts lead and our minds follow.
And today, I find myself battling between self-love and my love for him. Self love tells me to step away, to find a love that can be returned. That we either have feelings or we don’t and that anything in between is dangerous, shallow and unsteady. I can chase away the memories as they enter, but what is the good in that, when my eyes have sparkled with his every glance and my heart swelled with every touch. What is the good in ignoring and avoiding feelings that became a part of me, inspiring and challenging as they grew?
My love for him, tells me to find an unconditional path to walk no matter the obstacles. If I listen close to that voice within me, I can hear her whispers reminding me that sometimes, love needs to be built, supported, and nurtured; that love takes time and patience and it’s not just about me loving him, here and now, but sometimes love requires us to let go, even if the tides take them to another place; another heart; another dream.
Maybe I learn to merge both. Maybe I’m not on a journey towards him, but on one of my own, to confront my own fears, past pain, and expectations before love is etched in stone. Maybe I need to find myself in order to meet him, hopefully one day, in a love that’s stronger, better and unconditional.
And if it doesn’t happen in this lifetime…I’ll find him in the next.