Moments and Pieces

took that god damn record-

Off repeat,

Played a new song

Danced away

That anchor of pain

That kept the circles

Tight and the cycle too long…

Stepped out of the shade-

Waded, swam, drowned

In a happiness

and a calm

adrift in his soul

I lost all maps…

Mariko Kathleen 2018

***************************

I’ll wear his hands

Like a necklace

Beaded, sparkling,

Dazzling in between

The stillness of shadows

Desperate for light.

I’ll wear his words

Like a dress

Bright, soft, warm

and under his stitches

I burst at the seams.

I’ll wear his shoes-

Like a map

To trace his steps

tripping over my scars

but always circling back.

I’ll wear his eyes

Like the ocean

Wading, sinking, swimming

In the brightness they give-

the lightening they summon.

I’ll wear his body

Like a comet

Once in a lifetime

A quick burst

with short sparks

and lasting flames

forever watching the stars

forever waiting for his love.

Mariko Kathleen 2018

**************************************

Between sheets

Nestled beneath fear

Gentle and warm

Love brews-

Discovering wounds were

Never scars

And broken walls

Never crumbled

Taken back to heights

Shaken to depths

Waiting for the perfect breath

To dance

To smile

To touch

To live

To love

Between the sheets

Nestled beneath fear

found a home within his heart

And a dream beneath his feet.

Mariko Kathleen 2018

***********************************************

I found all my baggage

sitting at my feet

Blinding my heart

Weighed down with pride

I held onto for a while-

Sat with it

Danced with it

Slept with it

Until I saw the ocean

In his eyes;

Found myself searching

Lost myself swimming

Discovered myself navigating

Straight to his heart

And felt an unfairness

In holding on so tight

To a past long gone

And awareness of what could be

What should be

If I learned to let go-

And so I did.

I knew I loved him

When he lent me his socks

To cover my blisters

Heal my wounds

Without concern for his own

In that moment

In loving him

In trusting myself again

I found my light

And oh how it shines

When he challenges me

when he accepts me

Vampire romance novels and all

He summons a strength

I never knew I had

To love without fear

To love without measures

and no matter what happens

I’ll always remember those oceans for eyes

The depths they reached

And how they encouraged

The best in me.

Mariko Kathleen 2018

**************************************************

We took a drive

To mendocino

Stayed the weekend

Discovering, uncovering, laughing and searching

I stumbled over his buttons

as he explored my curves

Dug himself deep into my eyes

At dinner

Found myself lost in his

By dessert

We took a drive

To mendocino

the sun shining

Through the redwoods

We took a walk

He took my picture

my hand, my heart

And all my love.

Mariko Kathleen 2018

*********************************

Borrowed time

Slipped through cracks

Between now and then

Here and there

Tripping my dreams

Leaving my heart

Broken and bandaged

As dust fills in the gaps.

Hiding behind

The wounds in my eyes

Determining the difference

Of alone and solitude

Love and indifference-

Is it me they seek?

Or just my body

To visit

To drink

To touch

To dwell

Have I wanted something so bad

I’ve misread feelings

conjured a finality

Too soon to be had?

Even if I had all the answers

I’d still avoid the questions

And even if I could read the future

I’d still avoid the knots and tangles

Of love and disappointment

Just to stay afloat

In sea full of possibilities

With the stains of salt

And the struggle of the tides-

All burdening and

Haunting my mind.

I want to swim away

Leave nothing behind-

Not even a choice

Just the ripples of the past

Turn memories into waves

disappearing as soon as

the salt reaches

A shore…

Mariko Kathleen 2018

**************************************

Another storm to weather.

Another break to mend.

Another smile to stitch.

Across the country he’ll go-

what am I to do?

follow him? and his left over feelings from a time before?

chase his heart to make more room for mine?

sleep by his side-sinking deeper

Learning to love; to move better

only to say goodbye?

Distance tears.

Distance forgets.

Distance erases.

We found each other,

Or rather I found him

he never saw beyond

(Companionship. Warmth. Affection)

To see the dreams in my eyes

the reflections of him.

Love is absolutely scary

When the past haunts

And memories judge

As time recycles

The band aids used

To cover the pain…

because chaos has no remedy

When bruises guard the soul

And love has no boundaries

To keep my limbs from growing leaves

Waiting on blossoms

That will never bloom

From seeds without gardens

and a love without roots…

mariko kathleen 2018

****************************************

Haven’t slept much

Haven’t had much to eat

Haven’t heard the birds

Haven’t seen the sun

Haven’t been to the ocean

Haven’t showered

Haven’t washed my clothes

Haven’t cleaned my kitchen

Haven’t packed up his shit

Haven’t pulled out the knife

still trapped in my heart

Haven’t shaken off the tears

staining my steps

Haven’t found what hurts more

him gone or him here…

Mariko Kathleen 2018

************************************************

he spun circles

around my heart

wove a dream

of forever

today and tomorrow

forgetting to leave

his feelings from yesterdays

as lessons and hopes

instead

burned them into my ears

cast them into my heart

when he chose to go back-

and like the bird I am

netless and free-

I flew away as fast as I could

and like the ghost I can be

I disappeared from his life

respecting his choice

suffering in love.

Mariko Kathleen 2018

***********************************

Unavailable men

why do you haunt me so?

why do you cut these holes

in my palms

flooding them with dreams

drowning them in needs?

Unavailable men,

why do you hurt me so?

why do you bruise my soul

with kisses painted in lies

and feelings left over

from damage before?

Unavailable men,

why won’t you leave me alone?

stop knocking on my door-

forcing it open…

then tripping me from behind.

Unavailable men,

My heart has been here,

there and everywhere

And still-

has no where to go.

mariko Kathleen 2018

**********************************

I have been battered

I have been bruised

I have been thrown down stairs

I have been knocked down with a chair

I have been deceived

I have been conned

I have been violated

I have been ignored

I have been avoided

I have been too much

I have been not enough

I have been too intense

I have been too prude

I have been too quiet

I have been too loud

I have been too independent

I have been too needy

I have been too cautious

I have been too quick

I have been too strong

I have been too weak

I have been too intelligent

I have been too naive

I have been too brave

I have been a coward

I have been too beautiful

I have been too plain

I have never been loved.

mariko kathleen 2018

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