It’s happened before-a physical violation. You think, if i blame myself- If I can just erase that moment, maybe I can get over it faster. Maybe if the fault lies with myself, I can find at least some kind of solace…eventually. So we blame ourselves: I shouldn’t have had so much to drink; I shouldn’t have worn that without a bra; I shouldn’t have met up with him at his house..we find any way we can to internalize these violations, just to be able to get back up and try to move on. But we never really do, do we? Those moments, the moments of cruelty and selfishness, stay with us. They live inside of us and it takes every ounce of our love and strength not to put that shit on and wear it as armor. Because it’s frightening to think that a Human not only has the potential for cruelty, but also the wherewithal to plan, time, and proceed with such cruelty and deceit.
It’s been a festering vexation, twisting and pulling at me until I finally admitted to myself how badly I had been hurt. It wasn’t just an emotional hurt and it wasn’t just a physical hurt- and after digging deep enough, I realized it was a violation that hurt me. I have been stuck in the aftermath of a cruel game. I fell for a Human who: lied, tricked, and manipulated his way into my life; my heart; my mind and my body. That was it. That was the worst of it, that realization that you gave your deepest depths; your entire intimacy to someone who gave you a false safety and a cruel manipulation.
It’s sickening. I trusted him. I believed in him. I flew to another state to meet him, a stranger and stayed in his home, because I felt safe with him. I made love to him, out of that safety. I cried in front of him, out of that safety. I shared my dreams, my hopes, my entire fucking being with him, out of that safety…it’s frightening to think back and realize that I was never safe with him. I was a pawn. I was someone he found and set out to hurt. I was his victim. It made me sick with self pity, helplessness and confusion and it’s a developing sense of fear, anger, and indifference towards myself that I have to conquer. Was I so desperate for love that I so easily fell into his trap? I’ll never know exactly why he did what he did…but I’m beginning to understand how and it’s terrible. How can I continue to blame him, when I let myself fall so deep?
I make bad decisions all the time, we all do. But this one is heavy. This one challenges my process and my reasoning-because right now, I have neither. My indifference is growing and while my anger is gone…it’s a new kind of fear, I feel now. Fear that I’ll make a bad choice again. Fear that I’ll never have love. Fear that I don’t know how to trust myself again.
Now that I’m aware what this ache,my resiliency is all I left…if i can find it. And I will, find it, it’s a little worn out; a little torn up, but it’s there. I can feel it growing stronger after every moment of release and acceptance. My two truths to walk with now: I fell in love; I was manipulated. Every day, I slowly erase the blame, sadness, fear, and all that love I felt and every day it gets easier. Change can come abruptly, slowly, or never- it’s up to me to decide when it happens. I choose, soon.
It was a quick moment. A split decision. I wanted to look in the mirror and see someone different…it was a necessary change, these bangs. I just needed to see someone new after I finally admitted to myself what was really bothering me.
Here I am. Brand new, flawed, discovering and healing…