After…

Here I am, after all the love, laughter, dreams, passion and joy…I find myself desperately searching through any memory, trying- no-hoping to find a moment of truth. Just something, one thing to hold on to; to know what I felt was real.

But there are none. Because we were never real.

It’s a rather short story. Girl meets boy; Boy meets girl on Facebook and then an intense connection. In an instant I felt his presence, his soul-whatever the fuck your want to call it, I felt it. It hovered, tickled and called to me, until I accepted it. I had no other choice, but to accept it. He was in my mind, he was everywhere…a stranger, I didn’t know; and yet, somehow i had this vexing urge to impress him; to know him; to understand him.

So, two strangers became friends…and then friends became lovers; and then lovers became strangers. But, it was more than that. It was deeper than that. It was right, for that moment we were right. I had no other choice but to fall madly and deeply in love with him. There was no other path I could walk, but his. No other heart I could love, but his. I did and he did. Until he didn’t.

He loved me hard and then one day, he packed that love up and went back to his past. A past full of anger, resentment, frustration and so stagnant. He went back, and then I met a stranger. I met the Man behind the mask I loved. A Man capable of dark, evil, deceit and pain…a Man so void he frightens me to my core.

So here I am. Trying to forgive and find myself again after a 6 month long love affair, so brief, but powerful enough to have loved for a lifetime.

What do I do with that left over love? That left over life, the one where we had baby names and our wedding planned…

I keep on trying, little bit braver and a whole lot smarter.

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